Mustache Mari
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: Mari wears a mustache. Dia takes a bet.


For most high school students, Friday afternoons were a time of celebration. Most high school students would put down their textbooks and pens, and get together with their friends to revel in fun and freedom. Most high school students would cast aside their academic responsibilities and live for the sake of living.

But of course, the student council president was unlike most high school students.

Dia put the finishing touches on the form she was looking over, marking her signature with a flourish before setting it atop the near-mountainous pile of outgoing paperwork. The student council president allowed herself a small smile of relief at a job well done before she began gathering her things together for her journey home.

She looked over the neatly stacked monolith of papers, her satisfaction only growing as she admired the perfect layering of paper on paper. There wasn't a single square millimeter of white out of place, each sheet properly positioned atop its kin to form the ideal rectangular prism that one could only attain with machine precision. This wasn't just school bureaucracy at its worst; this was art.

And this work of art suddenly came undone as the door burst open with explosive force, generating enough wind to scatter all her hard work into nothingness. Papers flew everywhere, eventually falling gently as if a season's first snow to cover the floor in white.

As Dia stared in shock and horror at the ruination of the past three hours of her life, she heard a loud and cheery voice sing out.

"Hello, person I've never met before~!"

The scattered papers finally came to their final rest, giving Dia an unobstructed view of a familiar but not quite familiar blonde with a shiny grin on her face.

She was also wearing a fake black mustache.

Dia felt her eye twitch, and she struggled to keep her voice level as she all but growled. "...Mari-san. What are you doing?"

With those words, the blonde's face fell into a frown, her good humor sapped. "Darn. I can't believe you saw through my clever disguise!"

Dia took a deep inhalation of breath as she closed her eyes and counted to five. When her emerald eyes opened once more, she sighed at the mess and decided to focus on Mari instead. "There's nothing clever about it. The only thing you've done is attach a cheap plastic accessory to a small area of your face. Who would possibly be fooled by that?"

"Hmph. You might be surprised," retorted Mari as she idly stroked her fake mustache with a hand.

Dia rolled her eyes. "No, I don't think I would be."

"Hmm, are you really so sure?"

"Absolutely positive."

"Well then..." said Mari with a cheshire grin. "Wanna make a bet?"

* * *

"Must you insist on wearing that thing everywhere?" asked Dia irately.

"Of course! Who knows when we'll run into one of our friends?"

The two third years were walking out of school after having cleaned up the student council room, and much to Dia's annoyance, Mari insisted on keeping her mustache on her face.

Dia scoffed. "Like we'd actually encounter someone we know at school at this late an hour..."

Just then, the pair encountered someone they knew at school at that late an hour.

"Hey! Dia-san!" greeted Chika as she ran up to them. She looked over Mari. "...Who's your friend?" she asked obliviously.

Mari's lips curled into a satisfied smirk as Dia sighed and facepalmed. "You were saying?" asked Mari smugly. She held out a hand in expectation of their bet money, a full 2000 yen that Dia provided wordlessly.

"Please. Chika-san is low hanging fruit."

"Eh?! There's a low hanging mikan?!" asked the ginger excitedly. "Where?! WHERE?!"

* * *

The next day, Mari pulled up in front of the Kurosawa household in a sleek black van.

"Hey Dia! Check out my new van!"

"What? Why did you get another van?" asked Dia in bewilderment.

Mari shrugged. "Don't worry about it," she said vaguely. "By the way, wanna make another bet?"

 **Later...**

Hanamaru was walking to the bus stop, humming happily to herself as she skipped along like a good girl. Just then, a sleek black van pulled up next to her.

A certain mustached blonde poked her head out the driver's side window. "Hey there Hanamaru!"

"Eh?! Me?! How do you know my name zura? Who are you zura?"

"Never mind that," replied Mari. "Check this out!" She pressed a button, and the van's side door began automatically opening.

Hanamaru stared in open mouthed wonder. "Mirai zura...!"

"Now watch this!" said Mari as she opened the other side's automatic door.

"Zura...!" breathed Hanamaru. The hapless brunette climbed into the van to get a better look at the opening door.

"And now...!"

Both automatic doors began to close.

"MIRAI ZURA!"

And with that, the sleek black van drove off.

 **Laterer...**

"I can't believe it..." muttered Dia as she handed Mari 2000 yen. Then she handed over another 5000 yen for the second bet.

Mari smirked. "I told you it'd be easy to kidnap Hanamaru-chan."

Behind them, Hanamaru munched on a loaf of bread. "Wait, so how do you know Dia-san?"

* * *

The next stop on Dia and Mari's outing was a visit to a familiar diving shop where another of their friends could be found tending to her family's boat.

"Hello, person I've never met before!" greeted Mari.

Kanan looked up from her diving preparations and shot her a questioning look. "Mari, what are you doing?"

"No way!" exclaimed the blonde, "You recognize me too?!"

"Thank you for not letting me down, Kanan-san," said Dia in relief.

The blunette tilted her head in confusion. "You're welcome...?" Dia shook her head, as if telling her she was better off not asking. Kanan returned her attention to the poorly disguised blonde. "Mari, we've been best friends for years. You're going to need more than a simple mustache to fool me."

Mari went oddly silent before turning around suddenly. When she turned back around, she was wearing a second mustache resting atop the first.

Dia scoffed. "Mari-san, if one didn't work, there's no way that two-"

"OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MARI?!" exclaimed the diver in alarm.

Dia turned to stare deadpan at Kanan. "Kanan-san... you can't be serious..."

"SHE WAS RIGHT HERE!" cried the blunette as she started panicking, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER YOU FIEND?!"

As she facepalmed, Dia wordlessly handed Mari another 2000 yen. She might have technically won this round considering that Kanan could see through one mustache, but her pride refused to accept this outcome as a victory.

* * *

While Mari was preening with pride at the latest test of her clever disguise, Dia was quite rattled by the whole endeavor, occasionally twitching whenever she thought back to their encounter with Kanan. So when the next of their friends just so happened to be the other two second years, Dia felt hope blossoming within her. It was a weird feeling, especially since Mari was involved.

"You-san, Riko-san! You're both relatively sane. Please tell me you know who that is," pleaded Dia as she directed the two towards Mari.

Now back to wearing only a single mustache, the blonde was smiling serenely, waving one hand in innocent greeting as she bounced back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"...Hmm? No, I don't think I do," replied Riko after a moment of analysis.

Dia felt herself die a little inside.

"Oh wait a sec!" exclaimed You. "Is she the famous Eli Ayase you're always going on about?"

Dia felt herself die a lot inside.

For the next minute, the ravenette stared at her kouhais forlornly, mouth opening and closing in a poor impression of a gasping fish. Off to the side, Mari was laughing like a madwoman.

"I... I can't even..." muttered Dia as she walked away. She forked over 4000 yen to the mustached blonde before listlessly walking off, a zombie in all but name.

As soon as she turned the corner, Mari finally got her laughing under control with a gasp of air. "Eli Ayase?!" she asked incredulously, "Really?!"

You shrugged nonchalantly. "I thought it was a nice touch," she said as Riko giggled beside her.

"It was!" agreed Mari. "Good work girls. Very convincing."

"Thank you," acknowledged Riko. "Now, about out compensation?"

"Of course, of course." Without further adieu, Mari reached into her Bra of Holding and removed a bag. "You-chan, here's a new toy boat."

"Yousoro!" cheered You as she happily held the boat, "I can't wait to play with this while relaxing in Chika-chan's hot springs!"

"And for Riko-chan, the newest anthology of yuri hentai by your favorite doujin circle."

Riko smiled. "I can't wait to read this while relaxing in Chika-chan's hot springs!"

You shot the redhead a sideways glance. "...keep your porn away from my boat."

* * *

"Look! It's Yoshiko-chan!" exclaimed Mari as she spied the blunette doing some window shopping. "Let's go say hi!"

Dia slowly turned to her with a wordless stare. "...it's not worth the headache," she muttered. She shoved more money at Mustache Mari before turning back the way they came.

The blonde giggled, but bounded up to the fallen angel anyway. "Hello person I've never met before!" she greeted.

Yoshiko stared at her. "Mari-chan, what are you wearing?"

Mari's face fell as her disguise was broken. "...Whatever. I already got my money." She turned to follow Dia, leaving a bewildered Yoshiko behind.

"...what just happened?"

* * *

"It's been quite the productive day so far, hasn't it?" asked Mari casually as she walked alongside the ravenette.

"How so?" asked Dia disinterestedly.

"Why, we only have one more member of Aqours to go before we can settle our bet!" chirped Mari.

She looked on as she could practically see the gears turning in Dia's head, mechanically working out the identity of the last person. Suddenly, her eyes lit up as if an epiphany came over her. "Yes! Ruby!" she exclaimed. "Surely my sister is not so blind or ignorant as to be fooled by your feminine wiles!"

"I don't think femininity has anything to do with it," remarked the blonde, idly stroking her mustache.

"Oh yes! My dearest little sister will restore all of the faith in humanity I've lost on this ridiculous quest!" declared Dia with shining eyes. "Come, Mari-san! To find my little sister!"

And for once, Dia was the one dragging Mari off.

 **Later...**

They found Ruby standing in front of a light post, holding something in her hands.

"Ruby!" called Dia as she dragged the blonde up to her. "Please tell me you recognize her!" she shouted, all but shoving Mari at her sister.

"Pigi!" shrieked Ruby as Mari collided with her, papers spilling from her grasp. "O-Onee-chan?! W-W-What's going on?!"

"Ruby! This woman!" barked Dia. "Who is she?!" She leaned in intimidatingly, emerald eyes staring intensely, nostrils flaring as if daring the redhead to get it wrong.

Ruby shrunk back, but looked at the blonde like the obedient little sister she was. "...M-Mari-chan?" she answered hesitantly.

And just like that, Dia's face fell into a relieved expression of bliss. "Yes, that's correct," she said as she gave Ruby a hug. "You're such a good girl for restoring your big sister's faith in humanity."

"You're welcome...?" replied Ruby uncertainly.

Mari looked on with a smile. "Well, I didn't fool all of you, but six out of eight isn't bad," she shrugged. "Or five out of eight if you count-"

"I refuse to accept Kanan-san as a victory," rejected Dia severely.

Mari giggled. "If you want." She paused as she caught sight of the poster Ruby was in the middle of putting up. "...eh? Hey, Ruby-chan, what's with this poster?"

She held up a standard sized piece of paper, with the word "Lost!" written on it in red at the top with a description and contact information on the bottom. The center was taken up by an image of Hanamaru.

Mari looked over the flyer. " _Lost best friend. A short and adorably chubby fifteen-year-old with brown hair and eyes, female, likes bread and books, ends every other sentence with zura. Answers to the name Hanamaru_ ," she read off. " _If seen, please return her to her best friend Ruby at the number below_."

"...are you putting up 'Lost' posters for Hanamaru-san?!" asked Dia incredulously.

Ruby nodded emphatically. "We were supposed to meet up to go shopping in Numazu today but she never showed up. Hanamaru-chan said if she ever went missing, this was the best way to find her."

Dia and Mari were speechless.

"Apparently it worked for her grandfather a few years ago," added Ruby.

Dia and Mari were still speechless.

Just then, Ruby's phone began to ring. "Hello?" She gasped in surprise. "You found my missing best friend?!"

 **Later...**

Dia and Mari looked on from afar as Ruby profusely thanked the kind old lady who had returned Hanamaru. Then the redhead grabbed hold of Hanamaru and began cuddling her much the same way one would cuddle a plushy.

"Oh Hanamaru-chan! I'm so glad someone found you... I'll never let you out of my sight again!" The redhead paused and released her grip as she had a thought. "Maybe I should get you a bell collar and a leash? Ah, but I'll save that for later. What happened?"

"Ruby-chan, I had such an eventful day! On my way to the bus stop, I was kidnapped zura!"

"No way!"

"But I was rescued by Dia-san, so that wasn't too bad zura. She even gave me some bread to eat."

"That's my onee-chan. Always so heroic and kind."

The brunette nodded emphatically. "And then after that, I came across this really cute but really sketchy cat-like thing that wanted to make a contract with me zura!"

"Oh my!"

"But I told it I wouldn't accept any contract without reading the fine print zura. When I was walking away, I bumped into this girl talking about how she wanted to meet aliens, time travelers, and espers zura!"

As the two first years went off in their own little world of fantastical adventures, Dia heaved a sigh. "I can't believe this is how my day ends."

"You mean with us picking up Hanamaru-chan like a beloved family pet?"

"Indeed. Well, at least it's over now." She glanced at Mari. "By the way, are you finally going to take off that stupid mustache now?"

"Yes, yes, I'll take it off."

The blonde moved a hand to her face to remove the cheap accessory. It didn't budge.

"...Um. Dia? I think I have a problem."

Dia glanced over and deduced the situation in a heartbeat. "Are you seriously telling me it won't come off? Don't tell me you superglued it to your face."

Mari shrugged. "I just used the shiniest glue I could find," she admitted.

The ravenette shot a glare at her. "...Hold still."

"Eh? Dia? Why are you approaching me so menacingly? Dia?! W-Wait a second, we can talk this out! You can have your money back! Dia?! DIA! _**DIA!**_ "

 _RIIIIIIIIIIP!_

* * *

Monday...

"Mari-san, how long are you going to sit there and pout for?" asked Dia as she stacked another paper on the completed pile.

Instead of answering, Mari looked away and pouted. "Hmph. You took advantage of me in my weakened state to abuse my upper lip!" she huffed.

Dia rolled her eyes. "Would you like me to kiss it better?" she asked sarcastically.

Golden eyes lighted up at the opportunity. "Well now! If you're going to make such a generous offer, how could I refuse?" teased Mari with a grin. She turned to Dia and puckered up expectantly.

She was about to exclaim "It's Joke!" when she felt a pair of soft lips flutter atop hers, softly but surely. Mari's eyes exploded open when she realized Dia was kissing her, but by then it was already over.

"So?" asked Dia, "Did it stop hurting?"

A blush came over Mari's cheeks, and she couldn't help but shrink into herself. "...It still hurts," she said. "Maybe you should kiss it again?"

The student council president's lips twitched into a smile as she leaned in. "I'll kiss it as many times as it takes for the pain to go away," she murmured.

And she did.

 **~END~**

.

.

.

 **Omake: Atrocious**

"You know," remarked Mari, "There are other parts of me that hurt too."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Like here, and here, and here..." Mari pointed to her neck, her chest, and to somewhere between her legs. "As student council president, shouldn't you assist your school director?"

Dia was not impressed. "Hmph. Trying to abuse your authority to attain sexual favors? What an atrocious chairwoman you are."

"D-Dia? Wait a minute, it's just a- Ahh!"

Mari was pushed back into her seat as Dia pounced on her, her hands slowly unbuttoning Mari's uniform.

"I think you need to be punished," murmured Dia.

Mari gulped and wet her lips with anticipation. "Yes..." she breathed, "Please show me the error of my ways."

And that was how Mari learned to bottom.

.

 **Omake: Back to Kanan  
**

"...so when you factor all that into account, you actually won the bet," said Mari as she explained all the ways she'd cheated and manipulated their friends into not recognizing her.

The ravenette only sighed. "As reassuring as that is, that still means Chika-san and Hanamaru-san are in serious need of awareness training."

Mari shrugged. "Yeah, probably."

"And since we're speaking of it... what happened with Kanan-san?" asked Dia with a noticeable cringe.

"I literally have no idea," answered Mari honestly.

Just then, Kanan walked up to them. "Mari! There you are!" she cried out in relief. "Where did you go?! One moment you were wearing that stupid mustache and the next you were gone! I thought you'd been kidnapped!" She held up a piece of paper. "I was just about to start placing 'Lost' signs around."

Dia and Mari read the description. ' _Crazy and curvy, female, blonde hair & gold eyes, likes shouting SHINY!, foreign but not too foreign. Answers to Mari. Last seen wearing a mustache. The mustache may have kidnapped her. Wanted: Alive._' The words 'Dead or' were crossed out in red marker.

Their facepalms were in perfect synchronicity.

"I'm starting to worry about Azalea's future," remarked Mari.

Dia sighed wearily. "Way ahead of you..."

.

 **Omake: Tsukkomi Chika**

"Aww," moaned Chika as she slid open the door to her family inn's hot springs. "Why do I have to be the to clean the- WAH!"

She leapt back in surprise as she saw the steamy room occupied by two familiar figures. The first was swimming around, pushing a small boat around while making cheery sound effects and offering the occasional bit of nautical narration. The second was lounging happily with her hair bound up in a towel, a laminated book held in her hands.

"You-chan?! Riko-chan?!"

"Yo!" greeted You with a wave.

"Hello Chika-chan," nodded Riko.

"What are you doing in here?!" cried the ginger. "And how did you even get in?! The door was locked!"

"Don't you know?" asked You rhetorically, "All city girls know how to pick locks."

From her spot, Riko nodded sagely in agreement. "I keep in practice by stealing your underwear."

Chika just stared. "...WHAT?!"

.

* * *

 **AN: This was supposed to be a series of tumblr posts for April Fools' Day that I never got around to posting. Somehow it turned into a fanfic. Whoops.  
**


End file.
